“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”

- Joseph Campbell

Confronting the Monster in the Mirror

This article is the third installment in our Hero Path series, where we explore the journey to uncovering your most authentic self by stripping away everything that is not genuinely you. If you haven’t read the previous articles yet, I encourage you to start with The Hero’s Path to Authenticity, Meaning, and Living The Life You Were Born For and The Masks We Wear: Why You Feel Like You Don’t Belong & How to Reclaim Your Authenticity to lay the foundation for what we’ll be exploring here.

In our last discussion, we explored the Persona—the masks we wear to navigate the world around us. The Persona helps us fit in, but when we over-identify with it, we risk losing touch with who we truly are. But what happens to the parts of ourselves that don’t fit within that carefully curated identity—the aspects we have learned are unacceptable?

In short: we banish them to the darkness where we can more easily pretend they aren’t real.

There’s a problem with that though. These aspects don’t cease to exist simply because we aren’t looking at them. In fact, it makes us more susceptible to expressing them without even noticing. 

If we believe we aren’t capable of anger, for instance, we are not on guard against it, are not aware of it when it begins to fester, and are not ready to restrain it when it begins to overwhelm us. The result is an outburst of rage at whomever happens to be in the path of destruction, be they our children, our partners, or ourselves.

They say to keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
They say that a known devil is better than an unknown angel.
And they’re right. 

What if I told you that the secret to living a life of wholeness and peace starts with becoming familiar with everything you hate?

What if I told you that in order to become truly free—to be the best version of yourself—you need to befriend what scares you the most? 

Well… I’m telling you.

If the Persona is the mask we wear in the light of day, the Shadow is everything we have rejected, suppressed, or deemed unacceptable about ourselves.

And make no mistake: you do have a Shadow. We all do.

In myth, the Shadow is the proverbial dragon that the knight must slay. It is consistently the greatest monster we face on the Hero Path and also the most rewarding when we bring it under submission. When we truly embrace all that lives in our Shadow and bring it into the light, it turns our demons into our angels, recaptures our power, and allows us to navigate our lives with intention and confidence.

Just like averting your eyes from a brick in your yard doesn’t make it less real, it simply makes it more likely that you’ll break your lawnmower when you pass over it, becoming aware of and integrating our Shadow Selves is essential for becoming a whole individual capable of true, unconditional love and acceptance.

The question is, are you ready to face it?
Muster your courage, good sir. It’s time we stepped into the darkness.

What Is the Shadow?

The Shadow consists of the emotions, desires, impulses, and traits that we have disowned in order to be accepted by our families, cultures, and societies. As children, we absorbed messages about what was "good" and what was "bad,". To avoid rejection, we cut off and denied the parts of ourselves that fell into the latter category.

For men in our society, the aspects that we throw into our Shadow are almost always an emotion of some kind—if not all emotions generally. At some point in our youth, someone made us believe with every fiber of our being that what we were thinking, feeling, or doing was “unacceptable”. So, in order to be accepted, we hid what we were thinking, feeling, or doing. Not only did we hide them, we convinced ourselves that we were never that way to begin with and that we never could be.

Everyone’s Shadow is different but here are some examples that might resonate with you.
The Shadow holds:

• The anger you were taught was unacceptable

• The sadness you were shamed for expressing

• The lust that conflicted with your religion

• The ambition you were told was selfish

• The wild, untamed energy you buried to seem more "proper"

Your Shadow isn’t evil. It’s simply not yet integrated. And the more we suppress it, the more powerfully it rules us from the depths of our subconscious.

Why Do We Hide Our Shadow?

You may wonder why someone would crave acceptance so much that they convince themselves that they are not who they are. 

The answer is actually quite simple. 

Among other things, humans are biological organisms. At base, this means we have a drive to survive and procreate. We are also social animals. At some point in our evolution, we realized that we survive better in groups than we do in isolation. For us bio-things, being accepted is a matter of life or death. It’s written in our code and we know it before we know how to speak. 

We hide the parts we think will be judged as bad because if they were to be seen, we will be cast out of our social group and die.

We’re adaptable creatures, us humans. We’ll do whatever it takes to survive. So, when faced with emotional regulation or death, we choose not just regulation (immature brains aren’t quite capable of moderation; they prefer black and white), but instead opt for becoming entirely unemotional.

When questioned, a young man imitating the models of manhood he sees in films, adopts a stoic attitude. He reports to his male counterparts that he has indeed undergone the initiation ceremony to join the ranks of their fraternity; he is devoid of emotion. He is a logical machine. 

After a while, habit and his desire for acceptance actually make him believe it’s true. After a time, confirmation bias kicks in and he will begin to find evidence of its veracity. “I didn’t even cry during that movie”, “I was so calm when we almost got into that car wreck”, “I always keep my cool under pressure. In fact, I thrive under pressure.”

These beliefs about who we are cause us to ignore the reality: that we are capable of being sad, that we did feel fear, that we actually do crave peace instead of pressure.

I mentioned before that a known devil is better than an unknown angel. Here’s why.

How the Shadow Controls You Without You Knowing

Think of a time you lost control—a moment where you reacted in a way that shocked you. Maybe you lashed out at a loved one, sabotaged an opportunity, or gave in to an impulse you swore you'd never repeat.

That wasn’t random. That was your Shadow slipping through the cracks.

Do you think you would have been so susceptible to that attack if it weren’t hiding in the shadows? If you were on guard against it?

Here’s how The Shadow operates in everyday life:

• Projection – When we see in others what we refuse to see in ourselves. (Ex: The man who constantly criticizes arrogance in others may be suppressing his own desire to be recognized.)

• Overcompensation – When we swing too far in the opposite direction to avoid acknowledging something. (Ex: Someone who grew up in a chaotic home might become rigidly controlling as an adult.)

• Addiction & Compulsion – When we numb the emotions or desires we refuse to face. (Ex: Overworking, binge-eating, excessive drinking, or compulsive scrolling.)

The Shadow runs the show from behind the curtain, influencing our relationships, decisions, and emotions. And the longer we pretend these parts of ourselves don’t exist, the more power they have to attack us by surprise.

Here’s an example from my own life.

When my son was 4, we took him to a restaurant. They put butter on his pasta but he wanted it plain. The unholy sounds that came out of this child right in front of everyone in that place got my blood hotter than the deep fryer back in their kitchen. I looked at this boy like I wanted to crush his skull into dust and I nearly told him as much in a rage-filled whisper that shut him right up.

This is my son. My child. My blood. My lineage. I love him. And yet, I felt as though I could kill him.

How about you? 

You love your child. 

And yet, you shame them. 

You love your wife.

And yet, you scream at her. 

You love your mother and your father. 
And yet you judge and distance yourself from them. 

Why?

How Our Shadow is Simply Misguided Love

At some point when I was young, I also threw a temper tantrum in the middle of a public place just like my son did. My father, mother, or someone whom I respected made it extremely evident to me, in no uncertain terms, that if I continued that behavior, I would be excluded from the group. In biological terms, they told me that I would die. 

There are many ways they may have done this. They may have used intimidation, shame, or even physical force to make their message heard. The result was a clear understanding that if I behaved that way again, I was not accepted any longer. My cells heard that message too and they translated it into a message that told me, “You’re as good as dead.”

In the middle of that restaurant, my son reminded me of the behavior I made myself believe would kill me. He triggered something inside of me, something deep and primal, something biological and ancient, something that knows beyond any doubt that if that child yells in the restaurant one more time, that if my wife sheds one more tear, that if my parents judge people who are not like them for one day more, he and she and they and I… will die.

You are a man. You are the king of your castle. You are the last defense between them and certain death. So, you act. You fight. You rage. And it comes out in ways that make you feel like a stranger to yourself. You love them so much. You spend most of your life in peace. You go to church, or play sports, or go out with friends and you are generally happy. Yet somehow, someway this monster comes out of you like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 

How can you treat those you love in such abhorrent ways? 

It’s because you love them. Don’t ever doubt that. You do love them. You ARE good. 

You just forgot who you were. 

You see, a child hasn’t yet learned the lessons that you have. They haven’t yet been shown through intimidation, shame, or physical force that they are not allowed to be who they are like you have. They do what comes naturally to them. Through no fault of their own, it triggers that survival mechanism in you to reach out and save their lives through whatever means necessary. It does whatever it can to keep you and your family safe.

But now you know the truth. Now you know that those things you were taught were unacceptable will not actually result in your death or the death of your family.

Now that you know the truth, what will you do?

Facing the Shadow: Why This Is the Hardest (and Most Rewarding) Battle of All

If you’ve ever wondered why change is so hard, this is why.

The Shadow isn’t just the parts of you that you don’t like—it is also the aspects of you that kept you safe in the past. Your defensive walls? They were once protection. Your perfectionism? It may have once helped you avoid criticism. Your anger? It may have been the only way to express your pain.

Letting go of these things feels like death because, in a way, it is—the death of an identity you’ve clung to for survival.

But this death is necessary for rebirth. This is the belly of the whale in the Hero’s Journey—the moment when the hero must confront themselves before transformation can occur.

How does all of this relate back to living a life of peace? Simply this. 

• You can have all the money in the world, never wanting for anything. Your search for security is over. 

• You can find a perfect partner who turns you on and makes you laugh and fills your belly with delicious food. 

• You can find fulfillment in your work and in your family, never wanting for anything more

And still there is one thing that has already crept inside the borders of your walled encampment before it was even built. He will be your greatest enemy or your greatest ally and he will be with you until the day you die. He is your mind and unless you make him your friend and turn him into someone you can trust, there will always be that unknown angel at your doorstep just waiting to strike.

If you want to keep you and your family truly safe, you will bring your Shadow Self into the light where he can be watched and instructed and work on your behalf instead of the other way around.

There’s something else though. And this is the best part.

We can only love others to the extent that we have learned to love ourselves. 

We can only create space for the tenderness, vulnerability, failures, and “unacceptable” behavior of those we care for to the extent that we have learned to create that space inside our own hearts.

We love our partner, we care for our children, we protect those we love from the worst parts of us by teaching ourselves that we have been lied to. And we reiterate the truth over and over and over. 

We will not die if we are angry. 

We will not die if we yell at a restaurant. 

We will not die if we cry in a movie. 

We will not die if we are judgemental, or dumb, or weak, or slow. 

And when we have learned to make that space for ourselves, we have learned to make that space for them as well. The Shadow isn’t just where we store our darkness—it’s where we store our deepest pain. And the moment you stop fighting yourself, you stop fighting others, too.

It’s as simple as that. 

So, now that you’ve begun to understand how the Shadow is created, how it once protected us but now enslaves us, and why it is so important to bring it into the light, I’d like to provide you with some actionable steps to identify and make peace with all that lives in your Shadow.

How to Integrate Your Shadow (Instead of Letting It Control You)

Leonard Cohen said that the cracks are where the light shines through.

I find that idea very beautiful and I also think it’s instructive. Every time we find a crack (a trigger, an outburst, a judgement), it’s actually a doorway into our subconscious mind which is where the Shadow lives. If we want to know what’s in there, we’ll have to be attentive to the times when the cracks show up and make an effort to enter.

Here are a few ways to enter the cave and meet your dragon:

1️⃣ Notice What Triggers You

• Who annoys you? Who do you envy? Who do you judge?

• What qualities in others create strong emotional reactions in you?
  Your Shadow is often what you reject in others.

2️⃣ Observe Your "Uncontrollable" Moments

• When do you feel out of control? When do you overreact?

• These moments are where your Shadow is trying to break through.

3️⃣ Ask Yourself: What Did I Once Have to Hide?

• As a child, what traits got you into trouble? What emotions weren’t "allowed" in your home? 

  • Don’t make excuses for your parents here. This isn’t a moral judgement. This is a real assessment of the messaging you received, regardless of their intentions.
    The things you were taught to suppress are still there just like that brick in your yard. They’re waiting to be acknowledged.

4️⃣ Practice Self-Compassion, Not Self-Punishment

• Your Shadow is not your enemy—it is the wounded part of you that needs healing.

• Instead of judging yourself for past mistakes, get curious.

• Ask these questions? 

  • What was that part of you trying to protect against?

  • Is that would-be assailant still present in your current environment? 

  • Do you really need to continue to suppress that part of you in order to be accepted? In order to survive?

  • Can you forgive yourself for the person you needed to be in order to survive your situation?

5️⃣ Find Safe Spaces to Explore Your Shadow

• Shadow work is intense, and you don’t have to do it alone.

• Find a mentor, therapist, or group where you can process these aspects of yourself without shame.

• Shadow Work isn’t about fixing yourself—it’s about reclaiming the parts of you that were never broken.

Shadow Work is also never-ending. One of the things I was surprised to find when I first started integrating my shadow aspects was that I started to moralize it and judge people who were not doing it for themselves. This was really just my own acknowledgement that my Shadow had stolen so much from me when I allowed it to operate in the darkness. The act of keeping things in Shadow now activated that same part of me that created the Shadow to begin with. I believed that the most dangerous thing a person could do was to remain ignorant! We’re all going to die!

Be gentle with yourself. This process of uncovering who you really are is exactly that. It is a process. It’s never truly over. There is no “there” to get to. Give grace to yourself and by doing so, teach yourself to give that same grace to those around you. 

You’ve got this. Your treasure awaits.

The Treasure Hidden in the Dark

In every myth, the hero descends into darkness—but they don’t emerge empty-handed.

They return with a treasure, a newfound wisdom, or a lost piece of themselves that completes them.

This is the gift of Shadow Integration. When you stop running from your Shadow and instead face it with courage, you reclaim the parts of yourself that were once lost:

• Your anger transforms into strength and boundaries.

• Your fear becomes wisdom and caution.

• Your sadness deepens your capacity for connection.

Your Next Step: Enter the Cave

Joseph Campbell said:

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek."

This is your cave. Will you enter?

Because the only way out is through.

And if you’re ready to go deeper, book a call with me. 

You don’t have to do this alone.

You’ve started to face the darkness within. But what happens when that darkness shows up in your relationships? That’s what we’ll explore next.

Read the next article: Why Your Relationships Keep Failing (And How to Break the Cycle): The Reason Relationships Feel Amazing at First—Then Fall Apart