“It's simple. I just remove everything that's not David.”

- Michelangelo when asked how he carved the famous statue of David

This article is the second installment in our Hero Path series, where we explore the journey to uncovering your most authentic self and a life full of meaning and purpose. In our first article, The Hero’s Path to Authenticity, Meaning, and Living The Life You Were Born For, I introduced the Hero’s Journey as a transformational framework for personal growth and a cure for the depression, anxiety, and discontent that ails us. If you haven’t read it yet, I encourage you to start there—it provides the foundation for this series and includes a full list of all upcoming articles in the Hero Path series.

As you’ll recall, another way of looking at the Hero Path is as the process of removing everything that is no longer serving us, leaving behind a purely authentic and genuine expression of who we are. 

The first step in stripping away “everything that is not” us is to identify which parts of our psyche are learned and differentiate them from the parts that are intrinsic to who we are. In this article, we delve into one such aspect of ourselves, the Persona—the social masks we wear, why they exist, and how they can both serve and limit us. 

Let’s explore how to move beyond performance and into true belonging!

The Persona: A Mask That Protects and Imprisons Us

Every day, we perform.

We smile, we exchange pleasantries, we laugh at jokes that aren’t funny, and we say we’re “fine” when we’re anything but fine. We adapt to social expectations—sometimes consciously, sometimes automatically—because it’s what allows us to function in and benefit from our society.

This adaptation isn’t necessarily bad. In fact, it’s necessary. 

Persona is a Latin word that refers to the mask classical actors would wear on the stage. Psychologist Carl Jung appropriated this term to refer to the part of us that interacts with the world around us. Joseph Campbell described it as the wardrobe of roles assigned by society. I really like Campbell’s description because it shows how we can put on and take off these masks depending on the situation. If we can take them off, it proves that they are not integral to who we are! 

You can take off a mask with ease, but if you take off your face, you might feel like a part of you is missing.

The Persona helps us find our place in the world. It allows us to be employees, friends, partners, leaders, and community members. It smooths over social interactions, creates shared expectations, and builds common ground.

But here’s where the danger lies: Over time, we begin to believe that we ARE the mask.

When we become overly attached to our Persona—when we mistake performance for identity—we risk losing touch with who we truly are. The more we suppress parts of ourselves that don’t fit within our chosen roles, the more disconnected we feel. We end up trapped in an identity we think will bring us acceptance, but instead, it leaves us feeling fake, unseen, alone, and exhausted.

Fitting In vs. Belonging: The Persona Trap

“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”

- Brené Brown

Let that sink in.

Most of us have spent our lives trying to fit in. We tailor our personalities, interests, and even emotions to meet the expectations of others. 

We tell ourselves: If I just act this way, if I just say the right things, then I’ll be accepted.

But here’s the hard truth: We can never experience true belonging while wearing a mask.

Belonging isn’t about making ourselves more digestible to others—it’s about having the courage to be fully seen and trusting that the right people will accept us as we are.

And yet, we hesitate.

Why?

Because the risk of authenticity is rejection.

Persona At Its Worst

When I was a child, I was brought up in a pentecostal/evangelical church. Some of you may have been as well. For those who weren’t, you’ve probably seen clips of people “speaking in tongues”, collapsing or fainting after being “slain in the spirit”, or in some extreme cases, even handling snakes on a stage to prove that they hold God’s favor. 

As a young man who desired to be accepted and praised, I sought to always be “the good little boy”. I said and did the things that I saw the adults in my life doing. I prayed loudly for my food in public places, I went to “See You At The Pole” rallies, and when I was 12 years old, I even began to “speak in tongues.”

One problem: I never received that particular spiritual gift. I made it up. I just babbled little noises that sounded like the ones the adults were making. I lied. 

In order to be accepted in my community, I broke one of the 10 commandments and told everyone that I had received a gift from God when I had not. I was making up sounds and letting them come out of my mouth feeling stupid, and like a fraud, and wondering if everyone was seeing through the ruse I was putting on.

The worst part was that it made me question myself. If I was lying about who I was and everyone else was telling the truth, I must not be as good as everyone else. I must just be a failure. My attempt to appear “good” had led me to the belief that I must be “bad”. 

I lived my life for the next 20 years with these beliefs. I made many of my most important life decisions to gain the approval of others, and I got to a place where I couldn’t hold it together anymore. 

Whether you were brought up in religion or outside of it, many people feel some version of this same emptiness—a life spent maintaining an image or striving for status rather than embracing who they really are. Maybe for you, it was the grades you needed to get to gain approval, or the sports you needed to play that you didn’t really want to. Maybe later in life it was the career you went into or the person you chose to marry. 

Regardless of the shape your mask had to take, understanding the toll this constant effort is taking on you is the first step toward living an authentic life.

If It’s So Destructive, Why Do We Cling to Our Persona?

If the Persona keeps us from authenticity, why do we hold onto it so tightly?

Because it protects us. 

In fact, most of the behaviors and beliefs that hurt us were developed because in our past environment, they served us. The sickness lies not in their creation but in not letting our defenses go when they cease to benefit us. That’s how our defensive walls that once kept us safe turn into the prison bars that enslave us.

From childhood, we are taught which behaviors bring acceptance and which bring rejection. Through social reinforcement, we learn to amplify the parts of ourselves that are praised and hide the ones that are shamed.

• The boy who cries easily is told to “man up,” so he learns to suppress his emotions.

• The child who loves art but is told it’s impractical pursues a corporate career instead.

• The man who feels deeply but fears looking weak presents himself as indifferent and detached.

With time, these learned behaviors become second nature.
We wear our Persona so often that we forget we ever had a choice.

Breaking Free: How to Reclaim Your True Self

So, how do we break free from a Persona that no longer serves us?

1. Recognize the Masks You Wear

Ask yourself: Who am I when I’m alone? Who am I when no one is watching? 

Compare that to who you are in public. Where do you see differences?

• Maybe you put on a confident face of leadership at work when inside you feel confused and afraid.

• Maybe you want to appear strong in front of your partner but inside you’re feeling sad. 

The masks we wear vary depending on who we are with and the culture in that environment but becoming aware of the pressures you face to show up a certain way in certain places is the first step toward becoming free.

2. Identify What You’re Hiding

What aspects of yourself do you suppress to be more accepted? 

What parts of yourself feel unsafe to reveal? 

To be honest, these feelings are often the opposite of the masks we wear. If you can identify the mask and the pressure to perform, you can likely look to the opposite side of the spectrum to find emotions and experiences that you hid even from yourself.

A mask of strength usually hides the feeling of weakness. A mask of intelligence usually hides insecurity about our ignorance. Find these experiences and own them. They are natural. They are universal. And they are YOU. There is nothing to be gained by pretending they don’t exist and everything to lose.

3. Practice Small Acts of Authenticity

Start showing more of your real self in small, safe ways. Do this with a partner or a friend that you truly trust. Share a vulnerable thought. Express an opinion that’s truly yours.

Pay attention to how it feels to show up as you—not just as your Persona.

This is going to take courage and… wait for it… vulnerability. 

Ouch! It hurts to even type that word. 

But the truth is that our ability to feel like we belong is directly proportional to our willingness to be vulnerable. 

Our inner-child is always watching to see if they’re getting a positive or negative response. They’re also always watching to see if they had to pretend to be something they were not in order to get that positive response. The one person you will never be able to fool is you. You’ll know if you were faking it or if you were genuine. Courageously practice the vulnerability to show your true self and you will find true belonging that you can rest in instead of working endlessly to maintain.

4. Find Safe Spaces for Real Connection

True belonging happens in environments where you don’t have to perform. Seek out relationships where you can be fully seen and accepted as the person you are.

I highly suggest joining a men’s group like those run by The Mankind Project or Illuman. They’ll help you get connected to a local group where you can be safe to be completely you.

The fear that we will not be accepted for who we truly are is what keeps us from showing ourselves. And I’d be lying if I didn’t warn you that not everyone will accept what they see when you do. If you have relationships that are premised upon you being the masked version of yourself, you may start to feel those crumble as you show your genuine self. 

Let them.

Your autonomy and your right to be exactly who you are is more important than the shallow and superficial acceptance you only get if you pretend to be someone else!

Your authenticity is a filter for who you will allow in your life from this moment forward and who you will not. You’ve widened the gaps in your fishing net and some of the little sardines and krill are going to fall through. But what will be left is the giant catch you’re really after—a genuine and authentic connection.

You’re finding your true community now—your safe places. Your authenticity is a beacon that is attracting those who will appreciate you for who you are and it is actively rejecting anything that stands in the way. That’s something to be proud of. Not only that, but these new allies will be invaluable as you move past the threshold into the innermost cave where you will meet the dragon, your Shadow Self. 

The dragon always guards the gold.

Your Next Step: Strip Away the Mask

The path to authenticity isn’t easy—it requires courage, self-reflection, and vulnerability. But the reward is worth it: a life where you are truly seen, truly known, and truly connected.

You don’t have to do this alone. 

If you’re ready to dive deeper, book a call with me. We’ll walk this path together and build a life where you don’t just fit in—you belong.

But what happens to the parts of ourselves that don’t fit our Persona? The ones we’ve buried so deep, we barely recognize them anymore? That’s where the Shadow comes in—the hidden force controlling our lives from beneath the surface. And until we confront it, we’ll never be truly free.

Read the next article: Why Do I Get So Angry? The Hidden Parts of You That Control Your Life (and How to Take Your Power Back)