Projections Part I – The Anima/Animus

“I know you
I walked with you once upon a dream”

- From Walt Disney’s Sleeping Beauty

This article is part of the Hero Path Series, a journey toward discovering and embodying your most authentic self. If you haven’t already, you may want to start with my previous installments that set the stage for the underlying framework used in this article:

• The Hero’s Path to Authenticity, Meaning, and Living the Life You Were Born For

• Why You Feel Like You Don’t Belong & How to Reclaim Your Authenticity

• The Hidden Parts of You That Control Your Life (And How to Take Your Power Back)

Each step of this path has peeled back a layer of who you think you are to get to the authentic YOU that longs to be free underneath. First, we came to terms with the fact that our discomfort was actually an invitation to step into the life we were born to live. Then, we uncovered the Persona, the mask you wear to fit in (and so often also the barrier between you and the belonging you seek). After that, we confronted the Shadow, the suppressed parts of yourself that control you in the dark and keep you from self-acceptance and wholeness. Now, we arrive at something even more elusive: the mysterious relationship between masculine and feminine, the Anima (or Animus)—the deepest, most forgotten part of you.

This is where we come face to face with the truth about love, longing, and the unconscious forces that shape attraction and mold our relationships. 

I want to briefly state that in this article I speak in polarities in order to highlight and contrast the mechanisms that create our experiences. Any mention of masculine or feminine (culturally-defined, subjective labels) is completely removed from any notion of gender identity which is always a combination of both qualities.

Encountering the anima often comes shortly after we begin to integrate the Shadow self. By this point in the Hero Path, we’ve confronted the monster lurking in the darkness and begun to feel invincible. We shed the fears that once held us back. We’ve let go of any doubt that wholeness is within our grasp and we will stop at nothing to achieve it. 

Joseph Campbell calls this stage Atonement—At-One-Ment with who we really are. It is the part of the story where Luke Skywalker finally confronts Darth Vader or when Frodo finally realizes that he is the only one who can bear the Ring. It is the moment we have become the main character in our story. Everything up to this point was backstory to help us become the Hero of our own great adventure.

Embracing the Anima returns to us our power. It makes us the strongest version of ourselves, impervious to the fear of rejection and the need for external validation. It allows us to choose who and what we want in our lives intentionally rather than from a compulsion to fulfill an unmet need. It brings us back home to who we are.

Let’s look at the ways the Anima shows itself, the issues it can create if unacknowledged, and the opportunities it presents on our path to wholeness. 

What Is the Anima?

Have you ever noticed how, in the beginning of a relationship, everything feels perfect? She’s exactly what you’ve been looking for. Over time though, little things start to annoy you. She isn’t quite who you thought she was. That’s not because she changed—it’s because you were seeing a reflection of your own unconscious desires, not the real person in front of you.

The theory goes something like this:

When you are born, potential exists within you to express an infinite number of traits and characteristics that will ultimately become the dynamic and evolving being that we call YOU.

We’re predisposed to some of these traits at the outset (nature) and some of them are determined by our environment (nurture).

Like a flashlight shining in the corner of a dark room, our Ego—the Self we think we are—shines brightly to illuminate certain parts of that potential while leaving all else in darkness. As we learned with the Shadow though, just because something is in the darkness doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist—we know it is there whether we can see it or not.

Anima is the word Carl Jung used to describe the forgotten, suppressed, subconscious part of the masculine psyche—the part that lives outside the illuminating beam of the flashlight. We do not consider anything within that darkness viable for expression. It is everything you have rejected in order to conform to the world’s expectations of what it means to be a "man." 

Where the Persona is the mask you wear in public, the Anima is a part of the soul behind the mask that was exiled but never truly gone.

For women, this missing part manifests as the Animus—the internalized masculine. In this article, we’ll focus on the Anima as it generally appears in men. 

Latin is fun, right? 

How the Anima(us) is Created

It begins in childhood. Our young minds are sponges and the models for masculinity and femininity are readily absorbed. Your first experience of the world is usually the feminine and it generally comes from your mother—she is the whole universe to a newborn. If your mother was nurturing, you may unconsciously expect all women to be nurturing—and consequently neglect to develop the ability to nurture yourself, choosing instead to seek it externally from women in your life. If mom was distant, you might expect rejection. If she was loving but unpredictable, you may gravitate toward chaos in relationships.

The same is true of the father and the masculine. If he was absent, you may reject masculinity altogether or overcompensate by suppressing anything "soft."

Not only are our parents the models for masculinity and femininity, but our infant minds also believed that our father was exactly as he should have been and that our mother was exactly as she should have been. These early experiences create an ideal—an internal blueprint of masculinity and femininity, shaping not only how you see others but how you see yourself.

At some point—usually sometime after 2 years of age—we notice that there is a difference between mommy and daddy. We also begin to notice that we are either more on her side or more on his side. Our feelings about who he is and who she is may determine which characteristics we wish to adopt more of and which we choose to suppress. 

A father who exhibits what Campbell calls the “ogre” aspect, for instance, may be vilified by a young boy who begins to reject the notion of being anything like that. I’ll speak more on that in the next article, Projections Part II | Atonement with the Father where we’ll face the other half of projection—the father wound and the missing masculine.

For now, let’s look at how our Anima drives us toward or away from certain relationships.

How the Anima Shows Up In Relationships

Picture this: 

You’ve met someone new. She feels both mysterious and familiar in a way you can’t explain. It’s as if you’ve known her forever. Well, in a way, you have know her forever—because you aren’t just seeing her.

You’re seeing your Anima—the idealized version of all things feminine—projected onto her.

What if I told you that every woman you’ve ever loved has been shaped by your unconscious expectations of what a woman should be? That when you fall for someone (prior to walking the Hero Path to wholeness), you aren’t truly falling for them—but instead for the part of yourself that you lost long ago?

Well, I’m telling you. The intensity of early love isn’t a lie—it’s a glimpse of something real within you. But it’s incomplete. If you recognize projection and integrate the qualities you admire, love can evolve into something even more powerful—connection based on truth, not fantasy.

If you take nothing else away from this article, let it be this. 

The Soul is always seeking wholeness—to reunite with its missing pieces.

One obstacle that many find when seeking a partner is that they believe themselves to be “incomplete”.  So, they look for a partner to complete them. They project their Anima—their forgotten “other half”—onto a potential partner in an effort to see that which they lack in physical form. This allows them to believe that achieving wholeness is simply a matter of seduction.

This is the danger of refusing to confront the ways we seek external validation—they can lead us to places that, were we in full possession of our faculties, we would never intentionally go.

If we want truly healthy relationships, understanding and integrating the lost parts of ourselves is essential.

You Don’t Love Her—You Love Your Idea of Her

I remember when I had just started dating again after being in a relationship for over a decade. I met a woman who played very hard to get. We met on one of those dating apps and got to know each other over text for a while. Things were going really well but when I invited her out on a date, she completely surprised me when she said no.

“You’re going to have to prove to me that you’ve got a little something extra.” she said.

Depending on who you are, that might have been it for you, but I like a good challenge, so that really only served to pique my curiosity further. I continued to text with her.

After a month or so, she told me that she liked raunchy romance novels. Wanting to impress her, I figured I was a decent enough wordsmith to write her a steamy short story with her and me starring in the leading roles. Yea… Seriously…

And trust me when I say, IT. WAS. STEAMY.

But…

When I shared it with her, she continued her habit of surprising me by telling me that while it was indeed pretty hot, the person I had described in detail was nothing like her at all. 

I was completely embarrassed and… disappointed in myself. But it honestly taught me one of the most important lessons of my life. So often, the person I’d been interacting with was actually just a figment of my imagination. A fantasy. A projection of an ideal that has probably been under construction since I was born.

Projection has the power to keep us running into barriers over and over again. It’s like we’re wearing a VR headset while walking around in broad daylight. What we see as a clear path forward in our mind’s eye may actually be a brick wall. If we use it as a tool though, projection is a compass that points us back to a path of healing and to our truest selves.

Why Relationships Feel Magical at First—Then Fall Apart

Attraction is rarely based on who someone actually is.

Instead, we are drawn to people who mirror our unconscious projections—who seem to match the anima or animus we have carried within us since childhood.

That’s why falling in love can feel like destiny.
We might say things like:

• “I feel like I’ve known them my whole life.”

• “It’s like they can read my mind.”

• “They just complete me.”

But what’s really happening is that we are not seeing them at all—we are seeing our own unconscious reflected back at us.

For a while, the illusion holds. They may even enjoy the role they’ve been cast in, playing the part of the ideal partner.

But over time, cracks start to show.

They say or do something that contradicts the image you’ve built in your mind. They express needs you didn’t expect them to have. They show you aspects of themselves that don’t fit the fantasy.

After years sometimes, when it becomes clear that the person was not the idea you had projected on to them, the delusion is shattered.

And when this happens, it feels like betrayal.

Not because they have actually betrayed you—but because reality has exposed your fantasy.

This is where many relationships start to unravel and why so many men feel like they are constantly "chasing" a feeling they once had but can never quite get back.

How then to stop the cycle?

The Crossroads: How to Break the Cycle

Once we have seen the truth, we have two choices:

1. Reject reality and look for someone new.
   We tell ourselves, “I just picked the wrong person.” We search for someone who fits our ideal better, often to repeat the cycle all over again.
   

2. Accept the invitation to grow.
   We recognize that our projections are just that and choose to see and love the real person in front of us, not the fantasy we created—a true lifelong adventure!

This is The Hero’s Crossroads—the choice between staying in illusion or stepping into truth.

A quick note:

I am not moralizing your decision to stay in a relationship or leave it once the veil of fantasy has been pulled back. There are legitimate situations (such as trauma bonds, coercive relationships, etc.) where leaving can be the right decision to make. It is not even morally right or wrong to remain in your fantasy, but to quote the Mage as she speaks to King Arthur in one of my favorite modern mythic films, Guy Ritchie’s 2017 rendition of the Camelot tale: 

Don't get me wrong, I look away. We all look away.
But that is the difference between a man and a king.

Wholeness is Your Source of Power

The Anima isn’t meant to be found in another. She is the guide back to your wholeness.

The goal is not to find the perfect partner. The goal is to reclaim the lost parts of yourself.

And before you go telling me that you don’t want to be alone forever, let me alleviate your concerns. You don’t have to be.

But think about this.

Imagine choosing your partner from a position of wholeness, not being driven by your need for external validation. You’re no longer susceptible to ignoring those giant red flags in a potential partner simply because she makes you feel strong, or smart, or gives you the nurturing you never learned how to give yourself. 

You won’t fall for that because you already have what you need. 

You will have the power to say no to anyone who doesn’t meet your new standard for who your partner needs to be. You have created a filter in which all but the very best fall through the cracks.

That’s a relationship that is chosen, not settled for.

So… the question becomes… what are you searching for?

Breaking the Cycle: Integrating Your Anima

How to Integrate Your Anima (Instead of Projecting Her)

1. Recognize Projection When It Happens

If you find yourself idealizing someone, ask yourself: Am I seeing them or my fantasy of them?

If you are deeply triggered by someone, ask yourself: What part of me am I rejecting?

2. Engage in Active Imagination

Jungian analysts recommend dialogue with the Anima through dreams, writing, or meditation. What does she say? What does she desire? What has she been trying to tell you?

I came into direct communication with my Anima when I wrote that smutty story I told you about. It can feel uncomfortable but it’s an excellent way to get to know her—and by extension YOU.

3. Develop the Traits You Seek in Others

Instead of seeking softness, vulnerability, and creativity in a partner, develop them in yourself. This is true independence—not needing another person to "complete" you because you have become whole within yourself.

Ask: How can I cultivate the traits I admire in them?
If you are drawn to their emotional depth, how can you develop your own?
If they inspire you with their creativity, where can you embrace your own artistic expression?

4. Let Go of the Fantasy

Love isn’t about finding someone who meets your projection. It’s about seeing them for who they truly are.

True love requires seeing reality instead of idealization.

Every hero must choose between illusion and truth. In relationships, the illusion is projection—mistaking another for what we seek in ourselves. The truth is deeper love—one that sees and accepts a person as they are. This is the difference between living in a dream and stepping fully into your own power.

I can tell you from experience that there are potential partners out there who do actually align closely with what you want. But I can tell you that with confidence because I’m speaking as someone who’s taken off the VR headset. I can see them clearly.

The Journey to Wholeness Begins with You

Your longing for another is a longing for yourself.

Every woman you have ever loved has been a mirror reflecting back what you need to find within. Every heartbreak, every disappointment, every failed relationship has been a message:

"You are searching for yourself."

And so, the question is no longer: How do I find the right person?

The question is: How do I become whole?

This is your Call to Adventure. The next step on the Hero Path is yours to take.

Step into Your Hero Path.

You’ve been searching for something outside of yourself—but what if the answers have been inside you all along? The Main Character Energy Guidebook will help you begin this journey.

Download it now.

And if you’re ready to do the deeper work, let’s talk. Book a free call, and let’s reclaim your story.

But love is only part of the story. There’s another relationship that has shaped you even more—the one you have with masculinity itself. The Father—the model of manhood that shaped you, for better or worse. What if your struggles today aren’t just about love—but about the father you once needed, and the man you must now become?

. Read the next article: The Father You Needed, The Man You Must Become: Healing the Father Wound and Embracing Mature Masculinity for Your Children and For Yourself