“Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” - Dale Carnegie

The Fight You Don’t Realize You’re In

A while back, when I was launching Modern Manhood Coaching, I woke up every morning with my heart pounding so hard it felt like a war drum in my chest. 

I wasn’t even out of bed yet, but I already felt behind—like I was sprinting to catch up to a future that was slipping away from me. The runway between me and the bottom of my bank account was shrinking fast. If I failed, I wouldn’t be the only one to suffer—my partner, my kids, my entire future was at stake. This wasn’t just a goal anymore. It was survival.

I was doing the work—I was grinding 12+ hours per day—but instead of feeling driven by passion and creativity, I felt paralyzed by anxiety. I wasn’t building toward success; I was desperately trying to outrun failure. My entire approach to success was centered around not losing rather than winning.

This is the battle many ambitious men are losing without realizing it. We think we’re pursuing success, but we’re actually just running from failure. There will ALWAYS be something else to run from which is why this mindset can keep us stuck fighting the same battles day after day—even after we’ve achieved success.

I was on the brink of exhaustion when my coach said something that changed everything:

“You’re fighting against what you fear instead of for what you love.”

At that moment, I realized that my energy was completely misaligned. I was reinforcing my fear by giving it all my attention. I was operating as though the worst-case scenario was an inevitability, constantly building walls to protect myself from something that lived entirely in my mind.

The moment I made the shift from fighting against fear to fighting for what I loved, everything changed. 

I became a man with a vision. 

I stopped waking up with anxiety and started waking up with purpose. It unlocked an energy in me that I had never experienced before. Instead of draining me, my work started to fuel me. 

Ideas came faster. My vision became clearer. The results followed.

The lesson was clear: What we focus on, and how we emotionally respond to challenges determine the external results we create. 

If you keep reinforcing fear, you keep reinforcing limitation.
But when you recalibrate your focus, you activate a self-fulfilling mechanism of success.

Sounds good, right?

Let’s talk about how fear keeps men stuck, how to rewire our focus, and what it takes to channel ambition into meaningful success.

The Trap of Fear-Based Action

My mom is fond of saying the phrase “It’s not fear; it’s wisdom, Bubby.”

Yes… she calls me Bubby. 

What my mom is pointing at explicitly is a philosophy many of us are living implicitly without even realizing it. We believe that by guarding against a potential negative outcome that we are doing the very best thing for our success.

In reality, it’s just a pretty bow that we’re tying around our anxiety. 

Thanks A LOT, mom!

Fear is not just an emotion though—it’s an architect. It builds invisible walls around your life, trapping you in patterns that feel safe even while they silently suffocate you.

That’s why so many men stay in jobs they hate, relationships that drain them, and routines that feel lifeless. They might talk about wanting more, but they keep reinforcing the same reality because they’re fighting to maintain what’s familiar, not building toward a compelling vision of the future.

Making more money won’t solve a mindset of financial scarcity; you’ll just want more.
Getting more people to like you won’t solve a belief that you aren’t lovable; you’ll just need more.
Being in a relationship won’t destroy your need for validation; you’ll just need more. 

Seeing a trend here? There will ALWAYS be something new to guard against. If you don’t shift where you focus your energy, you’ll keep creating a life that revolves around not failing rather than actively winning. And when your fear is of being rejected for who you really are and what you really want, you’ll guard against that harder than anything.

Fear Keeps You from Your True Self

Fear doesn’t just stop you from taking risks. It stops you from being YOU.
Every man wears a mask. Not because he wants to—but because, at some point, he learned it was necessary for survival.

• Maybe you learned that being vulnerable made you weak.

• Maybe you learned that speaking your truth led to rejection.

• Maybe you learned that expressing what you really wanted made you a disappointment.

So, you adapted. You hid the parts of yourself that felt unacceptable and projected an identity that felt safer. You became the high-achiever, the provider, the guy who has it all figured out—even when you were drowning inside.

This is what fear does. It doesn’t just keep you from taking action—it keeps you from expressing who you really are.

And the more you reinforce the mask, the further you drift from the life you were actually meant to live. Do you really think you’re going to feel peace, joy, contentment, and delight if you constantly feel like you’re hiding?

The Role of Authenticity in Fulfillment

In a Season 1 episode of the Apple TV+ show Bad Monkey, Yancy (Vince Vaughn’s character) regales a friend of his with “The Pickle Speech”—a lesson often repeated to him by his father.

I’m paraphrasing here but in a typical Vince-Vaughn-ADHD-on-Speed delivery, Yancy says something like this:

“If you do something you know is wrong, the easiest way to get out of it is to lie, cheat, steal, to do whatever it takes to avoid the consequences. The problem is that if you do that, now you’re in a real pickle. Because the one person you can never fully convince is you and you’re going to have to live with that knowledge forever… and that’s no way to live at all.”

What Yancy is pointing at here is that true success and true fulfillment aren’t about what you achieve—they’re about what you believe.

Success without authenticity feels hollow. That’s why so many men reach external milestones—money, career, status—and still feel empty.

Because deep down, they know:

They built a life based on what was safe, not what was true.
They became what they thought they should be, not who they actually are.

This is why embracing your true self is the foundation of real success.

The moment you stop running from fear and start aligning your life with your real desires, values, and purpose—that’s when everything changes.

Because success isn’t just about winning. It’s about creating a life where you actually feel ALIVE.

The Science of Stagnation: Psycho-Cybernetics and Your Self-Image

We so often make decisions based on what we don’t want instead of what we do want. The problem with that approach is that your mind doesn’t differentiate between “don’t” and “do.” 

It just focuses on the subject of your attention.

Ever heard the phrase “Where focus goes, energy flows”?

This is what they’re talking about.

If the images in our minds are dominated by fear, failure, and avoidance, that’s exactly where we’ll steer ourselves. 

Good news though, the opposite is also true. 

Dr. Maxwell Maltz, a plastic surgeon turned self-improvement pioneer, discovered something fascinating back in the 1950s. After performing reconstructive surgeries, he noticed that some patients completely transformed their confidence and outlook on life. At the same time, others remained stuck in the same insecurities and self-doubt, even when their physical appearance had dramatically improved.

This led him to an important realization: our lives are governed by an internal self-image, and this self-image acts as a subconscious blueprint that controls our success, happiness, and even our limitations. His book Psycho-Cybernetics explains that our subconscious mind is like a servomechanism—it follows the instructions we give it, whether we realize it or not.

If we focus on avoiding failure, our subconscious mind will ensure we stay in situations where we can continue to fighting against failure, but if we shift our focus toward success and fulfillment, our subconscious will work to bring that into reality.

Simple, right?

The Shift That Changes Everything

I want you to imagine two Samurai warriors standing on a battlefield.

One is fighting desperately to not lose. His stance is defensive, his mind preoccupied with how to avoid being struck down. He’s tense, hesitant, and reactive. Every move he makes is about self-preservation.

The other warrior is fighting for victory. He has a vision of winning the battle. His mind is focused on his objective. He’s strategic, creative, and relentless. Every move he makes is toward his goal, not just away from danger.

Who do you think has the advantage?

In life, most men are the first warrior. They’re so busy trying not to lose—not going broke, not getting rejected, not failing—that they never actually focus on winning.

When I realized this in my own life, I made a decision: 

I was done fighting against my fears.
I was going to fight for my vision.

I woke up each morning with one goal: to build the life I wanted. 

Instead of focusing on financial scarcity, I focused on creating value. 

Instead of fearing failure, I focused on becoming so good at what I did that success became inevitable.

And something incredible happened.

I started gaining momentum.
My energy increased.
Ideas flowed.
People noticed.

The business that once felt like a ticking time bomb became a mission that fueled me. 

And the best part? I actually enjoyed the process.

How to Rewire Your Mind for Fulfillment

If you’re ready to break free from fear-based thinking, here’s how to start:

1. Reprogram Your Self-Image

Your subconscious follows your dominant thoughts. If you constantly see yourself as someone who struggles, you will reinforce that reality, but if you consciously create a new self-image—one of a successful, confident, and fulfilled man—your mind will start working to make that true.

For me, it was helpful to imagine the flow of my day.

I’d imagine waking up without urgency to immediately start working.
I’d see myself making coffee, meditating, and reading a good book knowing that the busyness of the day would wait for me as long as it needed to.
I’d think of the feeling of purpose and fulfillment each time I celebrated a win with a client.
I’d watch myself finish work with energy to give back to my partner and my kids as we cooked dinner together, told stories, and played games.

When you can see it, you can feel it, and you will begin to build it.

Action Step: Every morning, visualize yourself already living your desired reality. 

See yourself winning.
Feel it.
Be it.

2. Use Your Fear as a Compass

Joseph Campbell said:

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”

A more modern version of that quote attributed to Dipen Parmar is:

“The magic you’re looking for is in the work you’re avoiding.”

Instead of avoiding your fear, use it as a signal. Fear often points directly to what we need to pursue in order to grow.

Maybe you need to hire someone to do that thing you’re bad at but you’re afraid of the logistics. 

Maybe it’s a conversation you need to have that’s hurting your relationships. 

Whatever it is, get to work. Freedom is on the other side.

Action Step: Identify one thing you’ve been avoiding out of fear and commit to taking action on it this week.

A quick note, I’m talking about fear here, not procrastination. It’s important to know the difference.

Dan Martel, in his book Who Not How, refers to procrastination in a way that I actually quite enjoy. He says that “procrastination is wisdom” and suggests that it’s your soul rebelling against something it really has no interest in. As the title of the book suggests, in these situations, the block can often be overcome by hiring someone who would genuinely enjoy doing the work to do it for you. You’ll get a better product if it was made with joy and it’ll free you up to do the things you’re uniquely gifted at. 

Win. Win.

3. Shift from Scarcity to Abundance Thinking

Fear thrives in scarcity. If you believe opportunities are limited, you’ll operate in desperation. When you adopt an abundance mindset, though, you move with confidence.

Remember earlier when I said that there will ALWAYS be something else to be afraid of? It keeps us from experiencing the joy of success. Well, there’s another enemy to that joy: it’s that there will ALWAYS be more to accomplish. That feeling like we’ll never achieve enough is as rooted in fear as anything else, so fight it with the weapons at your disposal. 

Start seeing how far you’ve come.

Action Step: Start a “Wins Journal.” Every day, write down three things you accomplished, no matter how small. This trains your brain to focus on progress rather than lack.

4. Surround Yourself with Visionaries

Ever heard the phrase “If you hang out with 4 millionaires, you’ll be the fifth”?

Your environment shapes your mindset. If you’re surrounded by people who operate from fear, you will too. Find a tribe of ambitious, vision-driven men who challenge you to think bigger. Their minds are open to opportunities that you’ve been blind to. See what they see and it will begin to change the way you look at the world. 

Action Step: If your goals are business-related, connect with a mastermind group or mentor who embodies the mindset you want to adopt. If your goals are personal development related, find a local men’s group like those hosted by the ManKind Project or Illuman to find men on the same path as you.

5. Take Bold, Imperfect Action

Fear loses its power when you take action. Most men wait until they feel confident before they move. But confidence comes from action—it doesn’t precede it.

“[You become confident] by having a stack of undeniable proof that you are who you say you are.” - Alex Hormozi

Action Step: Pick one big move you’ve been hesitating on—launching that project, making that investment, having that conversation—and commit to doing it this week.

No hesitation. No overthinking.

The moment you start it, you are it.

Final Thoughts

After I made this shift, my business took off. Not because my strategy changed overnight, but because my energy changed. I stopped making decisions from fear and started acting from vision. People felt it. Clients trusted me more. My creativity surged.

I had real momentum for the first time—not just the frantic energy of a man running from failure, but the grounded force of a man moving toward something meaningful.

And that’s the ultimate lesson here: The most powerful men in the world aren’t fearless—they’re just focused.

They don’t waste energy reinforcing the enemy in their mind.
They channel everything into building something so compelling that fear becomes irrelevant.

The Fight You Choose

Every day, you’re fighting a battle. The only question is which one.

Will you keep fighting to maintain what’s safe and familiar, reinforcing your fears?

Or will you start fighting for what you love, fueling your life with vision?

Only one of those fights leads to fulfillment. Only one makes you the man you were meant to be.

Choose wisely.

This is your moment of decision. Are you going to keep reinforcing fear, or are you finally ready to fight for your vision?

If you’re serious about making this shift, I can help you accelerate the process. Book a call with me today—let’s create a vision so compelling that fear becomes irrelevant.